Tears of a ninja clown
by AlmightyLordPhlebotium
Summary: When chased by angry villagers, young Naruto is rescued by a kindly shopkeeper Doukeshi. The old man raised Naruto, and taught him the art of being a clown. Note that Naruto isn't very funny but very angry here. Story currently abandoned, probably permanently.


**Alright, guys. I'm warning you, despite being a clown, Naruto is not very funny or humorous due to being attacked by villagers like in a cliché instead of being ignored like in the canon. Almost all of his pranks are only talked about. He also becomes powerful early on and the other characters are out of character. There will be plot holes and other mistakes here. The character development will be too fast and sudden and everything will be revealed too quickly. Almost everyone may be out of character. Also, this fanfiction has sex and swearing. You've been warned.**

"Get the brat!"

A twelve year old Naruto's heart pounded as he ran for his life. An angry mob of villagers were chasing him armed with farm tools.

The scared little boy dove through the window of a shop and hid beneath the counter. He the shopkeeper's feet walking up to where he was hiding and made sure not to make a sound. A bell rang as a group of people entered through the door, making the shopkeeper drop a package in surprise "Oy, Doukeshi-san, Doukeshi-san!"

"What is it?" said the man as he bent down to pick up the package, his eyes meeting Naruto's. Naruto was pale as a sheet and shaking, but made no sound.

"Did you see a blonde boy with unusual line markings on his cheeks enter your shop?"

"Blonde? Lines on his cheeks?" Doukeshi put a finger to his lips to tell Naruto to be silent. "No. In fact, I haven't any visitors today. Might I interest you in some fun gifts for your children so you don't come empty handed? I'll even give you half price."

"No, thank you. Mind if we take a look around? He might be hiding in here."

"No, thank you. You'll mess up my shelves."

"Are you sure? He's really dangerous. He might steal something."

"Look, if saw a boy like that, I'd tell you." Doukeshi silently mouthed 'Be quiet' and stroked Naruto's head to reassure him. He stood up to face the mob "Now please leave before you make a huge mess-or worse, break something. It's getting overcrowded here."

There was a sneeze beneath the counter. Something clicked in the mob leader's head. "Why were you hiding him from us, Dokeshi? I thought you were our friend!"

"Hey! What are doing, fooling around when you should be working?" Doukeshi pulled out Naruto (wearing a false beard and a brown wig) "This is my nephew, Okashii."

"Then why is he wearing a beard?"

"How dare you! Poor little Okashii looks just like his mother. Her beard was a popular attraction at the travelling circus." Doukeshi sighed sadly "That is, until my sister and her husband were killed by Missing Nin, along with the entire circus. He is my only remaining relative, my flesh and blood." Doukeshi hugged a disguised Naruto, whose beard fell off.

"It's the Uzumaki kid!"

"But why would you want to hurt an innocent little boy?"

"You know why we're not allowed to discuss it. Hokage's orders."

"Do you know what my bearded sister really left me before she died?" Doukeshi said as he pulled out a crossbow handle with two metal tubes attached to it "Do you know what this is? It's called a shotgun, or a boomstick. It fires deadly projectiles, faster than the strongest ninja can throw. Each of the two shots is as deadly as a strong chuunin jutsu. You've seen it in action killing this thing." He pointed to the skin belonging to a tiger from the Forest of Death hanging above him "Now I will count to five. If you don't leave my shop by then, all of you will be dead or wounded by in these tight quarters. One,"

"Wait, Dokeshi. There's no need to be hasty," the mob leader said.

"…Two…"

Everyone rushed towards the exit.

"Five!"

A flag saying "BANG!" popped out of the right barrel, much to Naruto's laughter.

"There, there, little boy. Did those nasty people scare you?" Doukeshi asked.

The little boy nodded.

"Poor boy. I know what'll cheer you up. You must be starving." Doukeshi said as he picked little Naruto up "Uncle Doukeshi will get you something to eat."

"Can I call myself Okashii? Until I'm strong enough to fight or they stop trying to hurt me?"

"Very well, Okashii."

Over the years, Naruto helped around Doukeshi's joke and prank shop, first wearing a wig, then using Henge to remove his whisker marks and give himself brown hair (minus the beard). If anyone asked, he showed a photo of Okashii and his mother (Doukeshi wearing a false beard and a dress) holding Naruto. It was a funny prank. Despite the incident with the villagers, civilian and shinobi alike continued to visit it even after Naruto revealed his identity when he started to attend the shinobi academy. With his unenhanced speed rivaling older genin and chakra-enhanced running like that of a freshly promoted chunin, the villagers were afraid of him too much.

Doukeshi's house and store had many amazing items. Some were fun, some were puzzling, some scary. Naruto asked Doukeshi about those moving drawings of summoned animals using weird jutsus (a cat and mouse torturing each other, surviving getting flattened, exploded, set on fire, being inflated like a balloon), and Doukeshi explained what a cartoon was and what each reference was (ACME, cars, television, places, jokes).

The recordings to entertain children with violence were made an extremely long time ago. To give an idea of how long, first, there was a war that destroyed the world and made society recover with great difficulty two hundred years later in Vaults, with the heroes Vault Dweller, Chosen One, Lone Wanderer and The Courier pulling a lot of badass shit.

A thousand years later, Princess Kaguya ate the Chakra Fruit that unleashed the Ten Tails, and her son the Sage of Six Paths separated the beast into Kyuubi and the other guys.

People descended from him had chakra that they developed into primitive techniques called Bending, that slowly separated into different types until by the time the last Avatar permanently died in Avatar State, thus ending the circle of reincarnation, they already developed into real Jutsus and the elemental countries borders were already too fuzzy for only four possible reincarnations in different countries.1

By that time, the society recovered most of the technology, though not using it that often. Trucks were useful for civilians that can't use storage scrolls (though most people walked) and video was used by ninja for surveillance. Electrical light and cooking was used as often as during modern times though, even by feudal people.

As Naruto grew, he gained skills, like juggling, pantomime, ventriloquism, sleight of hand from his friend and mentor, not to mention ideas. He played a lot of pranks.

For example, he used a sledgehammer as his weapon of choice instead of the usual wooden cartoon mallet. Until Naruto found a way to store objects in extra dimensional hammerspace, he carried the sledgehammer on his belt.

The ANBU had trouble keeping up with Naruto as they tried to catch him for painting the Hokage Monument.

"NARUTO!" Iruka-sensei shouted, finally managing to sneak up on him.

Naruto (wearing white face paint and black versions of Inuzuka markings under his eyes as well as oversized orange coveralls, big boots and white gloves) was sitting tied up in front of the class.

"And no naked women this time!" Iruka shouted.

"Very well, sensei." Naruto channeled a lot of chakra to turn into…a half-naked Hokage sitting on the toilet, smoking a pipe and reading a little orange book. Everyone was ready to puke, and some students pulled out their kunai, silently debating on whether to gouge their eyes out.

For some reason, Ino and Hinata blushed at the liver-spotted and smelly but still manly and deadly older man, much to Shikamaru's disgust.

"I call this…UGLY NO JUTSU!" Naruto said triumphantly "See, Iruka-sensei. No women, and no nakedness. He's half naked."

"I'm disappointed in you, Naruto." Doukeshi said sternly when Naruto returned to the shop after cleaning the monument, followed by Iruka.

"Sorry, Doukeshi-san."

"What did I teach you about subtlety? Always consider how much cleanup each prank needs. You could have drawn a giant mustache-or even glued a paper mache one. But pictures of poop and genitals? That's not very original."

"You're right. My next prank will use less materials and involve less property damage, Doukeshi-san. It will also be quicker to set up."

"That's my boy!"

"How about the fact that he vandalized property and disrespected the Hokages?" Iruka asked in outrage.

"When I become Hokage, nobody will threaten children in this village or I'll assassinate the bastards. Did I tell you how I started living with Doukeshi-san? A group of villagers attacked me, and Doukeshi-san threatened to kill them with his double barreled hand cannon so they wouldn't kill me.

That's why I painted poop on the old man's face, because he refuses to do anything to protect me, painted the first Hokage to look like a woman because he would have found it funny, penises on the Second Hokage's face because I hate his personality described in the books, and painted the Fourth to look like a clown, because clowns are awesome and he killed the god damn fox demon that ruined everyone's fucking lives."

"Naruto, language!"

"Oh, sorry. I meant gosh darn fox demon that ruined everyone's fucking lives." Naruto said "So, what is everyone not allowed to talk about that they get executed for it, anyway? Don't tell me, because I like you, Iruka-sensei. If only I can get the old man to tell me, instead of saying 'It'll ruin your life, Naruto. You'll find out when you're older.' And crap like that. Sorry, Doukeshi-san."

And with these words, he left the room.

"You have any sake, Doukeshi?" Iruka asked.

"Where are my manners, Iruka-san?" Doukeshi came back with a bottle and cups.

Doukeshi cooked a large dinner for Naruto to cheer him up after he came home upset from failing his exam involving bunshin. "Good news, Naruto. Iruka said that the Hokage agreed to make a special exception for you-"

The room was empty and the window was open.

Naruto was reading through the forbidden scroll (he knocked the Hokage out with a horrible image of a grossly obese woman with breasts hanging all the way down to the floor).

"Let's see now: deadly jutsu that kills the user, another deadly jutsu that kills the user, necromancy, torture technique, reality warping ability that requires a human sacrifice, another bunch of human sacrifice jutsus…oh yeah, and the spell to summon the succubus Morrigan Aensland from Darkstalkers by Capcom. It says: warning: only to be used by lonely adolescent virgin boys. Hmmm…nah, I think I'll pass. That sounds like something a character in a bad fanfiction would use. And this is a great fanfiction!"

He winked at the readers

"…wait, there's also the jutsu to solve all one's problems in a moment without any negative consequences what's so ever…I'm feeling lazy. I think I'll learn the Shadow Clone and the jutsu that involves sticking fingers up someone's asshole instead."

 **(Note: this part may or may not be deleted)**

"Naruto! What are you doing?!"

Doukeshi was wearing black and green camouflage armor and helmet, with a harness connected to a pair of gas tanks as well as two triggers to control the waist-mounted grappling hooks. He carried two pump-action shotguns behind his back, six sawn-off double-barreled shotguns strapped all over his body, as well as a large number of ammo pouches.

"Oh hi, Doukeshi-san!" Naruto said cheerfully as he sat on the ground with the open scroll. "I'm just studying the Forbidden Scroll so that Mizuki-sensei would pass me."

"You idiot!" Doukeshi struck Naruto "Do you really think a teacher would let you pass by stealing a scroll of forbidden and dangerous techniques from the Hokage who must kill anyone who tries to steal it?"

"Doukeshi-san! Behind you!"

Mizuki's giant shuriken was embedded in Doukeshi's back.

"Nooo!" Naruto shouted as Doukeshi fell over him.

"Listen to me, boy!" Doukeshi said, grabbing Naruto's arm "Run as far as you can with the scroll. Find Iruka and the Hokage. He will be more lenient towards you with Mizuki's betrayal."

Sometime later…

Mizuki was facing Naruto and Iruka in the forest.

"Don't you know, you brat, that you are the nine-tailed demon fox?

"Thanks for being my scapegoat, Mizuki-sensei. Now I can blame it all on you tricking the poor naïve me into taking the scroll."

"How presumptuous of you, brat. I will be the only one walking away from here."

"We'll see about that. Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

Only seven Naruto's appeared in clouds of smoke. Mizuki laughed. "Is that all you've got? Only seven clones?"

"Sorry girly-sensei, but I only needed a weapon."

Four of the clones used Henge to transform into oversized wooden mallets that were picked up by three of the other clones and the original Naruto.

"Oh shit. That's gonna hurt!" Mizuki thought as the four clones with hammers charged him.

"Wait!" one of the Naruto's shouted before we beat him up, we need to do this."

He pulled out a shotgun to shoot Mizuki in the kneecaps. Unfortunately, it was the Dragon's Breath shotgun whose shots, while exaggerated in terms of powers, still produced 3000 0F worth of heat.

The Hokage arrived to find Doukeshi, Iruka, and a burned and beaten Mizuki.

"Are you sure you wish your picture to be taken like this?" the photographer asked.

"For the last time, yes! I'm always wearing kabuki makeup. Everyone will recognize me. Now if I painted spiral lines all over myself instead, that would make me hard to recognize."

"Makes sense. If you say so."

"Are you crazy?" Doukeshi shouted "How could you believe that white-haired okama Mizuki that you needed to steal a deadly forbidden scroll from under the Hokage's nose to graduate? You're lucky the old man hasn't killed you on the spot."

"Oh, he would never do that." Naruto said.

"Of course not. He loves you like a grandson, or else he wouldn't give you the split second to cast your inappropriate technique on him or order the shinobi to capture you alive. Do you understand that, Naruto? I don't want to lose you. You've been like a real nephew to me."

"Yes, Doukeshi-san!"

"And just to make sure that you will be more careful when taking risks, you'll get no supper this night, and clean the inventory stock room right now before it gets dark, because you need your sleep for tomorrow when you are assigned a Jonin instructor. And no Shadow Clones!"

"Yes, Doukeshi -san." Naruto said, with less enthusiasm.

Next morning, Naruto was in good spirits. What a great day! The sun is shining, he will finally become a ninja, get assigned a team and an instructor who will pay attention to him. Nothing could possibly ruin it.

Literally six seconds after he entered the classroom, Sakura and Ino trampled him in their race to sit beside Sasuke.

"Hey." Shikamaru said to the flattened Naruto.

"Hey yourself. I'm gonna beat that stupid jerk. Who does he think he is?"

"You'll never beat Sasuke. He's the last of the Uchiha clan, trained by the best while you still couldn't channel chakra."

A memory of running from a mob when he couldn't do jutsu yet flashed through Naruto's brain. "Good point, Shika. Well I've got brute strength to match his refined taijutsu. I just need more practice. I just wish those two bitches stopped screaming."

Doukeshi-san explained good relationships to Naruto. When a girl acts like an angry abusive screaming bitch towards you, she's going to be a screaming abusive bitch even when she starts to date you. That, and girls don't like 'nice guys'. They want a guy who's too good for them.

"So troublesome." Shikamaru said. "I prefer ignoring it until it goes away."

An idea flashed through Naruto's head. "Just watch this." He left his hammer leaning against the desk.

He went up to the two annoying girls and their favorite clinically depressed ninja with PTSD.

"Leave me alone, Naruto!" Sakura shouted at him.

"Oh, hello Sakura." Naruto said in a dull tone without looking at her. Then he turned to Ino "Hello, Ino-san!" he said warmly.

"What do you want, loser?"

"I wanted to say that Sasuke-san is a lucky young man that you like him, Ino-san. I sure wish to be like him so that you like me too, because you are much more attractive, intelligent and strong than Sakura-chan. If there's any girl to marry into the Uchiha Clan, it is you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Sakura shouted.

"Oh, my apologies, Sakura-chan. I just realized something. I only flirted to you because I thought that since both of us are ugly and dumb, we should date each other. I apologize. You're way out of my league. I hope we can still be friends, though. You should not get your hopes up, though. You're better off marrying a civilian."

Having said that, Naruto returned to his seat next to Shikamaru while sporting a black eye. "Now we watch the shit start flying."

In the front row, Hinata started biting a pink handkerchief while fantasizing about murdering Sakura and Ino in creative ways.

Meanwhile, the hours dragged on. To occupy himself, Naruto began juggling three balls. Then as time passed and there was still no instructors, he added one more ball to make it more complicated as Ino and Sakura sat quietly, not talking to each other, (Sasuke gave him a thumbs up) then stood balancing on the back rest of a chair, one of it's feet on the floor. By the time that only him, Sasuke and Sakura were left, Naruto was juggling six balls while balancing on the chair, which was balancing on the handle of his sledge hammer.

"Will you stop that?" Sakura shouted at him. Naruto lost his balance and fell to the floor, the balls falling on his head.

"I'm okay. I'm fine. Just…fine." Naruto said to nobody in particular. Then, going to the slightly opened door, he prepared a prank for the late teacher by putting the chalkboard eraser on top of it.

"Oh, like he's gonna fall for that stupid prank." Sasuke said. Naruto shushed him.

"He deserves it for being so late." Naruto said.

When Kakashi finally arrived, he spotted the chalkboard eraser on top of the door. Just to lure his students into a false sense of security, he allowed it to fall on his head.

"Well." He said in a dry tone "My first impression is whooah-"

Kakashi lost balance on a slippery spot on the floor that Naruto made earlier. Then, a bucket fell on his head. Naruto had stuck special kunai with round screw threads instead of blades into the wall above the door, with string through the rings so that when the door is opened it tips the bucket above right on the instructor. Naruto sketched various variations of the trap previously.

"My impression is: I hate you all."

The four of them were sitting on the roof of a building.

"Alright," Kakashi told them "it is time to introduce ourselves. Your likes, dislikes, that sort of thing. Any volunteers?"

Naruto raised his hand "Why don't you introduce yourself first, Kakashi-sensei?"

"My name is Hatake Kakashi. My likes…I'll tell you when you're older. My dislikes…well, I dislike a lot of things. Anyone else?"

Naruto raised his hand again.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto." He said in a completely deadpan voice "I am a hilariously funny class clown. Literally, because I wear the face paint of a stage performer. I love jokes, pranks, humor, being funny, and performing and being the center of attention. My favorite food is roasted meat sausages in a bread bun with tomato sauce and other toppings."

"Homosexual." Sasuke said with a smirk. "You like eating dick-shaped foods.

"I dislike jerks with no sense of humor and black hair that looks like a chicken's ass," Naruto continued, in in an emotionless tone, as he glared at Sasuke

"…instructors who arrive late, angry mobs of violent villagers armed with sharp farm tools, and Hokages who can fight but can't do politics worth shit. Someday I hope to become Hokage and make this village better, or get someone who listens to me installed as Hokage. If that doesn't work, I hope to get enough money to pay another village for an A rank mission to assassinate the Council of Elders of this village and make it look like an accident." Naruto finished.

"The villagers wouldn't chase you if you'd just stop playing pranks all the time." Sasuke said.

"How about you?" Kakashi asked.

"My name Sasuke Uchiha." Sasuke said "My likes…I don't like a lot of things, as for my dislikes, I don't like anything. My dream is to kill a certain man."

That was intense, Sakura thought. Sasuke spontaneously cast a Genjutsu to show a shadowy face with a weird eye. What talent!

I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE HIS BABIES. CHA! Inner Sakura said.

"You should smile more, Emo-suke." Naruto said, not smiling himself.

"Look who's talking."

Then, it was Sakura's turn "My name is Sakura Haruno. My likes include cooking, flower arrangement, attractive boys. My dislikes include my friend and rival Ino Yamanaka, and annoying hyperactive pranksters."

"Look how hyperactive I am. I'm practically bouncing off walls." Naruto said "Hey wait. You said Friend…and rival?"

"Alright," Kakashi concluded, while shivering in disgust from images of Mighty Guy going through his face. "Your test will be tomorrow. I recommend that you don't have breakfast, because you might end up vomiting from the things that will happen during the test."

"You sure are hungry today, Naruto." Doukeshi noted "I'll make some more curry for you. You've earned it, after all you did with your shadow clones."

"Kakashi-sensei just told us not to eat anything for breakfast before the test."

"And why is that, Naruto-kun?"

"He said that we will vomit from the horrible, difficult tasks he'll set for us tomorrow."

"Well, in that case, finish your dinner, and tomorrow you can wake up early and have a small meal. That way you'll digest some before the test and feel better. And if you vomit it up, no big deal. I'll prepare rice with raisins because it's easier to digest."

"That's perfect! Thank you, Doukeshi-san you're the best." Naruto said, hugging the older man.

The next morning, Naruto was waiting for Sasuke and Sakura at the training grounds as he contact juggled a glass ball.

"Here. Drink this." He offered them each a bottle of orange juice.

"But Kakashi-sensei told us not to eat anything." Sakura objected.

"No. He said that he'll challenge us so hard that we'll puke from the effort. He didn't actually order us not to. And ninjas must break rules to survive."

"You're right. " Sasuke said, then eyed the bottle suspiciously. "What did you add to it?"

"Extra sugar. Salt."

"Salt? Why would you warn us that you're going to prank us?"

"Tell him, Sakura. You paid attention during Iruka-sensei's lesson on electrolytes." Naruto said.

"He's right. Iruka-sensei said during one class that drinking carbohydrates are helpful when performing extended physical activity, and electrolytes or different salts, are lost through sweat and will result in muscle cramps if there aren't enough of them."

Sakura tasted the drink, scrunching her face "However Naruto, you added too much salt and sugar. It's a hypertonic solution that contains more dissolved substances versus water compared to human body. Unless we dilute it with water, we'll dehydrate even faster from drinking it. Not to mention it will taste much better."

"I've got some canteens at home. I'll go get them." Sasuke said. "If Kakashi-sensei arrives as late as he did yesterday, I'll have plenty of time."

After Sasuke returned with the large drink bottles that they filled with diluted endurance drink, they spent time getting to know each other.

"So, let me get this straight." Naruto said

"Sasuke's older brother went insane and killed the Uchiha clan to 'test his strength.'

Sakura is trying to prove herself to her best friend Ino by beating her in a fight and seducing Sasuke due to his skills and reputation.

And I started constantly pulling pranks like putting kikaichu sex pheromone on Kiba or filling a clothing store with live chickens because angry mobs tried to stab me with pitchforks because they thought that I was possessed by a certain big orange coyote demon with nine tails that died when I was born.

Good thing that the Uzumakis are possessed with great endurance and ability to heal from injuries. Wanna see?" Naruto asked, pulling out a kunai to stab his own hand.

"No, no. That's okay. I believe you." Sakura asked. "Um, I didn't hear it from you because of the law, but what made you think that the villagers thought you were…that thing?"

"Well," Naruto began "When someone yells 'Kill that damn dem- uh, I mean brat!' or, 'Get that little mons- I mean, Uzumaki child!'. They constantly managed to catch themselves just before saying things like 'demon', 'container of the demon', 'fox' ,'demon fox', 'beast', 'animal'. I might be the only living member of the Uzumaki clan, and as far as I know, all of them could have high physical endurance, fast healing and whisker marks on their cheeks. I really have no idea. Damn ANBU only interfered after the villagers had beaten me severely. I kinda like cutting myself now. Oh, Sakura-san, your tendency to say everything loudly and use violence against me was like an aphrodisiac to me."

"Well, I should feel lucky about only having a dead father and being bullied when I was young." Sakura said "Say, Sasuke? May I ask you a favor?"

"What is it, Sakura?"

"I know you'll refuse to pretend to like me in front of Ino. But could you teach me how to fight better so I can prove to her that I'm just as good despite having a civilian mother. You did have the highest taijutsu score in the class."

"Well, you are pretty weak." Sasuke said "No offense. But since you're not treating me like a piece of meat like other girls did, I will do everything to help you get stronger. Since I can't kill my brother Itachi alone, I need strong teammates to help me."

"I promise that we will help you. Believe it!" Naruto said.

"And please don't tell anyone or I'll kill you. This applies to you too, Naruto." Sasuke said "But girls that flirt to me aggressively intimidate me. I can tell that they're looking for a piece of meat, a trophy to show their status. They don't love me, and they'll definitely discard me like a piece of trash as soon as they see someone stronger and more mysterious."

"Hmmm." Naruto put his hand on his chin in contemplation "I've got an idea about that. I'll tell you after the test."

"Oh, how are my cute little students doing?" Kakashi said from a far, his face still buried in that tiny book of his.

"You're late!" Naruto and Sakura shouted in unison.

"A black cat crossed my path and I had to walk around the entire Leaf Village to avoid the bad luck.

"Liar!"

"Let's just start the test." Sasuke said.

"Alright." Kakashi said, putting the timer on the tree stump "The test is simple. Those who fail to take a bell from me by the time the timer runs out will be tied to the stake while the others eat lunch in front of him. Then they will be sent back to the Academy."

Sakura was about to raise her hand to ask a question, when Naruto interrupted "Me and Sakura-chan will get these bells and you, Sasuke-teme will go back to the Academy right after I beat him." Naruto said, locking gaze with Sasuke, and winking at him. Sasuke got the idea.

"You'll be the one going back, dead last!"

Sakura stared at them in confusion. "Guys, guys, what are you doing?"

"Don't worry, Sakura-chan. I'll show you I'm better than Emo-suke, and we'll be together, forever." Naruto said as he winked, making sure that his back was to Kakashi.

"IN YOUR DREAMS, LOSER!" Sakura said, giving an Inner Sakura-enhanced punch to Naruto's face. "I'll never be with you when I can have Sasuke-kun!"

"These three are hopeless." Kakashi said.

As the test began, Sasuke went first against Kakashi to test his taijutsu against a Jonin.

Then, it was Naruto's turn. He swung his hammer at Kakashi, but without much success. While a highly damaging weapon that at the same time imitated a wooden mallet that gets pulled out of nowhere in style was a good idea, Naruto hadn't developed strength, speed and endurance to land a blow on Kakashi when even Sasuke's fists weren't fast enough.

Then, Naruto attacked Kakashi with shadow clones. When he tried to smash a paper plate covered in whipped cream in his face, Kakashi substituted himself with Sasuke. Just as he was sitting behind Naruto with his fingers in a Tiger seal, the Naruto he was fighting turned out to be a Shadow Clone and the real Naruto behind him said: "NINJA VILLAGE HIDDEN IN THE LEAF SECRET TECHNIQUE: THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!" and stuck his fingers with the Tiger Seal up Kakashi's ass.

This technique really was in the Forbidden Scroll. The danger was when someone intentionally pumped too much chakra up someone's asshole instead of making them jump a few hundred meters on their own power, like Kakashi was going to do to Naruto.

Before Naruto could say "Oops", Kakashi's body inflated and exploded into a shower of gore.

Omake:

Years later (during Shippuden filler arc), Fuuka managed to pull Naruto into a kiss to drain his chakra, only for him to dissolve into smoke.

"A shadow clone. Damn." She said, only to feel a kunai at her throat.

"Alright, beautiful lady." Naruto said huskily "I'm really aroused now. The only person that I ever kissed was a half human half fish girl that saved me from drowning by breathing air into my lungs*. Do you want to know something? I will have sex with you and you will be the one to die."

*note: he did not kiss Sasuke in this reality. And I'm talking about the filler episodes with Isaribi

Sakura couldn't help screaming in rage and jealousy when she saw Naruto raping the beautiful woman (seriously, if she did that evil Medusa the Gorgon face like when she petrified Naruto's legs on me, I would willingly die if I had chakra).

Suddenly, Fuuka's body was inflated, then exploded from being fucked in the ass by Naruto, who was pumping chakra through his penis.

"Oh, yeah! That felt great." the gore-covered Naruto said as he sprawled out on the ground "I call this: Thousand Years of Pleasure."

End of Omake.

"Holy Kami!" Sasuke said "You killed Kakashi-sensei. We're in so much trouble."

"But he did tell us to go at him with the intent to kill." Naruto said. "Now the problem is: we've passed the test, but now we don't have an instructor to train us. What should we do?"

"Wait. There's no way that a Jonin could be killed by someone of our level. He did use the Kawarimi Technique." Sasuke said, wiping some whipped cream out of his hair.

"But did you see how he inflated, then exploded?" Naruto said.

Then, they noticed that the splattered blood and gore next to an orange book turned into wood splinters.

Sakura was hiding in the tree when Sasuke's voice called out to her. "Sakura. Down here. I've got the bells."

"But what about Naruto? And where is Kakashi-sensei?" she asked when she jumped down from the tree.

Sasuke looked surprised "Why did you suddenly start caring about the idiot?"

Sakura's eyes widened when she heard him say that.

"You're not the real Sasuke!"

"Sakura!"

Both of them said as they heard Sakura crying out for help from the forest. Kakashi was holding her at kunai point.

"There's no way that instructors are allowed to do that to students." Sasuke said when he and Naruto arrived.

"You must understand, that as ninjas, your enemy will be trying to kill you. They will hold your team mate hostage, then kill them when they get what they want. The life of a ninja is dangerous, and my job is to prepare you for it. Even if you find it unpleasant."

Kakashi said "Sakura confessed to your little charade where you pretended to hate each other just so you could surprise me with your teamwork. However, all I have to do now is to hold a blade at Sakura's throat until the timer runs out. Then I'll send you back to the Academy when you fail to get the bells. What will you do now?"

"Well that sucks." Sakura said "I really need to pee."

Naruto and Sasuke huddled together to come up with a plan.

Naruto summoned shadow clones to surround the tree to which Kakashi had his back.

"Alright, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto said "We'll negotiate with you for the hostage. Sakura is in danger of having her throat cut by accident should your hand slip when we attack you. Me and Sasuke decided that while a shinobi must give their life for a mission, he must also put even higher priority on rescuing their team mate. Therefore, we decided to make a hostage exchange."

"For that to work, you must have something that I want." Kakashi said.

"We do." Naruto pulled out the copy of the orange book that Kakashi dropped when he used Kawarimi to switch places with the log that Naruto exploded using the Tiger seal.

Kakashi's eye widened.

"Sasuke found it after I exploded you." Naruto said. "I'm going to walk towards you with the book while Sasuke and the clones watch. I will place the book hallway between us, and you will do the same with Sakura, twenty feet away. We will simultaneously slowly walk towards our own hostage. Any suspicious movement from you, and the clones will attack you from all sides. Is that acceptable?"

Kakashi sighed "Very well." He moved the kunai to Sakura's shoulder "Instead of slitting her throat, I will wound Sakura if anyone attacks me during the hostage exchange. It is still dangerous as it can still damage the artery, but will incapacitate Sakura for the duration of the test and still can be treated by medic-nin."

"Very well."

As Naruto placed the book on the ground, making sure to maintain eye contact with Kakashi, and backed away from it.

As Kakashi was a few steps from it, his kunai still pressed against Sakura's shoulder, Naruto shouted. "Now, Sasuke!"

Sasuke began going through the seals for Fire Release: Grand Fireball Jutsu.

Kakashi's eye widened in shock. They wouldn't dare! He forgot all about Sakura, now desperately reaching his copy of Make Out Paradise.

"Sakura! Now!" Naruto shouted.

"INNER SAKURA ELBOW STRIKE!" Sakura hit Kakashi in the stomach when his attention was directed elsewhere as the little orange book.

"Nooooo! No no no no no no!" Kakashi said, his one eye shedding tears.

"Alright, guys!" Sakura said, holding the bells "Thank goodness you saved me. I really couldn't stand that longer because I really needed to pee, considering that I restarted the timer while you two were fighting Kakashi-sensei."

"Um, Sakura?" Sasuke nervously pointed at Kakashi in his patented Ultra Scary Mode that he shared with Iruka-sensei and it's master, Yamato.

"YOUUUU! YOU CHEATED ON YOUR TEST! YOU DESTROYED MY COPY OF MAKE OUT PARADISE BEFORE I COULD READ THE NEXT PART, HIT ME IN THE STOMACH, AND STOLE THE BELLS WHILE I WAS IN PAIN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO TO YOU?" he asked the terrified students.

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke shook their heads.

"You pass. All three of you, because you all worked as a team." Kakashi said, his eye smiling as he took out a second copy of his book. "Let's talk over it as we eat lunch."

"I'll be fine." Naruto said "I've had a small breakfast already."

The four of them were sitting next to the memorial stone, eating lunch.

"Naruto." Sakura said "Next time, I'll be mixing the stamina drink. It's a good idea, but commercial powders aren't as gross."

"Sorry about exploding you, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto said.

"That's okay. I did order you to go at me with the intent to kill." Kakshi said "As ninjas, there is something very important that you must remember. Those who break rules are worse than dirt. But those who forsake their friends are even worse. The life of a shinobi is very difficult and dangerous, and you might die any moment. This monument holds the names of all, the heroes in our village."

"What kinda heroes?" Naruto asked. "My name will probably be on that list."

"Naruto!" Sakura said.

"Missing in action. In other words, those shinobi that died in battle." Kakashi explained.

Naruto froze, thinking.

"Weeell, I'm going to be very old when that happens," Naruto said "And it will take at least ten S ranked missing nin to take me down."

"Naruto, this isn't funny." Sakura said. She kneeled next to the monument, briefly looking through the names. "Kenshiro Haruno. My father's name is here."

"And all the people my brother killed." Sasuke said "Even the civilians."

"Sasuke?" Kakashi asked "Please don't be offended when I ask this. But why did your brother say he killed them?"

Sasuke's face darkened "He said he wanted to 'test his strength.' Then, he…tortured me, and told me to hate him with all my heart and seek revenge against him."

"But he also killed Uchiha civilians who couldn't put up a fight." Sakura said.

"All Uchiha could the Grand Fireball Jutsu. Even those who haven't finished the Academy or unlocked the Sharingan could do it. It was a rite of passage. However, they hadn't learned any taijutsu or even basic jutsus.2"

In other words, civilian Uchihas were a bunch of wizards who could cast spells, but not fight.

"Sasuke." Kakashi said. "I want to show you something. It belonged to my friend Obito Uchiha before he died."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Kakashi slowly lifted his headband off his left eye to reveal the Sharingan. "My teammate Rin transplanted it into my eye socket. Even though I only have one instead of two, and it spends more chakra than normal and cannot be turned off, I am known as the Copycat Ninja despite those advantages. Hey, Naruto? Where did you learn Thousand Years of Death?"

"Same place I learned Shadow Clone Jutsu."

"Oh. I thought I made that technique up."

The D-rank missions were a pain in the ass.

"How the hell was I supposed to know which plants were medicinal and which ones were weeds? Did you fucking tell me beforehand, did you fucking explain to me which damn plants I'm supposed to remove, and which damn plants leave the fuck alone, Kami damn it?" Naruto shouted at the pharmacist as they were digging in his garden.

When they captured Tora, both Sasuke and Kakashi had to restrain Naruto to keep him from killing the cat that scratched him to ribbons while Sakura carried the purring cat. Once it was time to return it to its crazy and annoying owner, the cat stared at Sakura with sad eyes.

"Kami fucking damn it!" Naruto shouted "Can't we get one normal mission for a while?"

"Language, Naruto!" Iruka reprimanded him.

"I can give you a mission to unload Doukesi-san's merchandise shipment."

"No, Hokage-sama," Naruto said "I can do it for free. Just not shitty assignments."

"Naruto!" Iruka said.

"However, I can give you a C-ranked mission to guard someone. I'll introduce you to him."

The man they were supposed to bodyguard entered the room. "What's this? They're all a bunch of brats. Especially the short fag with makeup."

In response, Naruto charged while swinging a sledge hammer, smashing the bottle of sake in the old man's hand.

"I'm just helping him look after his health, that's all. He drinks too much sake." Naruto said Kakashi and Iruka restraining him.

When the five of them left the village after Naruto promised not to kill the bridge builder.

Outside the gates, Naruto inhaled deeply.

"Even the air smells better here. It smells like freedom. Goodbye rude assholes from the Leaf Village, hello rude assholes from other countries. I've rehearsed quite a lot of performances to entertain people, including acrobatics, illusions, juggling and comedy."

"Who would want to see your stupid tricks, you little fag?" Tazuna said.

"As much as I respect and admire your ability to make people angry, Tazuna-san, right now you're going to have another conversation with Mr. Sledgehammer if you don't shut the hell up."

"Naruto, stop threatening the customer." Kakashi admonished.

As they were walking towards the puddle, Sakura nodded at both of them.

As Kakashi walked past the puddle, Naruto and Sasuke motioned for the old man to stop.

Two Chuunin ninja jumped out of the puddle to shred Kakashi into gore, then run towards the four. "Get the old man!" one of them said.

As Sakura held Tazuna back, Naruto grabbed the second sake bottle the from the old man's pack to throw at the Demon Brothers.

"Is that all you've got, kid?" one of them said, after breaking the bottle with his claw gauntlet.

"Sasuke. Now!" Naruto shouted as he jumped out of the way as Sasuke shot his Grand Fireball Jutsu at the two at the same time as Sakura threw a bottle of oil under their feet.

The two shinobi were taken off guard and screamed in pain as they burned, losing footing on the oil, that also burned.

"Water Release: Wild Water Wave!" Kakashi shouted as he pulled his mask down to douse the burning Demon Brothers with water.

When the two assassins stopped burning, Kakashi went to his students and their clients.

"I've got good news, good news, and some more bad news. First: congratulations, students. The three of you have successfully inflicted your first two casualties straight out of the Academy. The oil made the fire burn harder from the water jutsu. While the experience will traumatize you, it will increase your chances of surviving further contact with the enemy.

Two, is that the enemies revealed their intended target." Kakashi looked accusingly at the old man.

"The bad news is that after they though they eliminated me, they were specifically targeting Tazuna-san. Old man, you weren't completely honest when you paid for the mission. We were hired to guard you from bandits, not other shinobi. This immediately raises the rank of this mission."

"Alright. You got me." the old man admitted sheepishly. "A businessman called Gato is after me. He has an iron grip on the Wave Country's shipping, charging outrageous fees for import and export of goods. Without me to build the bridge to allow movement of goods in and out of the country, wave Country will be doomed. And since I do not have the money for a higher ranked mission, I will never return there alive and complete the bridge, Wave Country will never be free, and my poor grandson will cry over losing his loving grandfather, and will probably never trust the Leaf Village or any ninja ever again."

"Okay,We can either come back and ask the Hokage to put Tazuna-san's debt on credit until he finishes building the bridge, and send another Jonin with us for our safety," Naruto said "Or, we can still continue our mission as it is despite the danger of an enemy or a Missing nin Jonin attacking us. Kakashi sensei?"

"Yes, Naruto?"

"Have you ever taken a mission alone to bodyguard a target against enemy Jonin?"

"Yes, I did. But I did not have to look after a Genin team."

"So, all we have to do is survive and protect Tauna-san as you fight the enemy, right?"

"It's not as simple as that, Naruto."

"I've got a simple answer. Shadow Clones." Naruto showed by summoning a bunch of Shadow Clones, who used Henge to turn into three more copies of Tazuna, three copies of Sakura, three copies of Sasuke, and three ones remaining as Naruto. The Tazuna demonstrated by running slowly and breathing heavily.

"Slow down, you stupid brats!" the clone of Tazuna said "I can't keep up on an account of being an annoying old man with a drinking problem!"

"You know, you're not as dumb as you look kid." Tazuna said to Naruto" Only I don't sound like that, you stupid brat!"

"Your impersonation does need work." Kakashi noted drily.

"How's this?" a Naruto clone said as they ran from an imaginary enemy "Stay behind me, Tazuna-san!"

"Yeah." The Tazuna clone said through heavy breathing.

"Sakura, look out for any Genjutsu. Sasuke, look for traps."

"Right, Naruto!" the disguised clones said.

1 I mean, really. Uchihas descended from Prince Zuko the emo kid, Ten Ten from Mai the meatball-haired knife thrower, Naruto from Aang the funny guy, Hyuugas from Toph (white eyes and superhuman senses. Toph's abilities needed a few generations to perfect from blind sense to super vision), Rock Lee from Ty Lee the martial artist (her family also interbred with the Hyuugas, judging by the fighting style.)

2 Those who went to the Forest of Death with spears to hunt tigers used Sharingan to learn skills like cooking and carpentry.


End file.
